Reward systems are one of the many things I have tried over the years. They can be as complex as a prize box point system or as simple as a sticker chart. Yes, I have tried both and more.
The prize box point system was one I created thinking if my daughter understood that things had to be completed over time, build up the reward type thing, that she would be more likely to do the necessary chore/behavior routine that was expected of her. I had set it up so that she had to earn so many points before getting a prize, a point each for specific behaviors or chores. This was after the sticker chart thing didn't work, of course.
Here is the problem as I saw it. She would do enough to get a basic prize, then didn't want to have to do anything else, until she wanted another prize again. It became a game of how many things can I get today if I do ...... (fill in the blank). If there were no "cool" prizes left, then she didn't care if she got it anyway. This was totally not cool with me and made me rethink the whole rewards system.
I will admit, I got frustrated real quick with what I thought of as dealing with a hostage negotiator every time chores were suppose to be done. It seemed to create more of a battle of wills than anything and really made me stop and think about what I was teaching her.
I was teaching her to only do what she was suppose to do when she was getting something out of it. Realistically, we all go to work in order to get a paycheck and most wouldn't go if there wasn't one, but there are plenty of things we HAVE to do that produce no true rewards, at least to a child.
Most people would consider having clean clothes a reward for actually washing laundry, but an 8 year old doesn't care about that. They figure mom will wash clothes regardless, so that point is mute with them. Which, honestly, it really is. I am not going to allow her to wear dirty clothes just because she refused to put them where they belong. In her mind, this logic also applies to putting dishes in the sink. Don't get me wrong, I would happily accept a prize every time I cleaned the bathroom, but I am still waiting for that to happen. All it did was leave me very aggravated and frustrated.
Not only that, but I had a serious problem with giving her a reward for doing something I expected of her anyway. To me, that was bribery. I was not going to give her a reward for behaving properly in a store, doing her homework, or helping with the few chores she was supposed to do. In my eyes, these were things that I expected her to do regardless of whether there was a treat at the end of it. Now, I am not talking about the occasional candy bar for behaving extra good during a busy or long shopping trip. I am talking about expecting a treat or prize every time she did something she was suppose to do. It got to the point where she was trying to negotiate for a prize per item picked up. This was my wake up call. I created the monster and then I was upset with it. That didn't seem right at all either. I refused to have a spoiled child that expected to get a treat for picking up her dirty socks.
I expected her to do her homework every day after school. I expected her to behave like she had some sense in her head, or like she had been taught all her life. I expected her to keep her room picked up, clothes put where they belonged, and for her not to throw a hissy fit every time we went to the store because she wanted a toy. These were expectations I had for her and I was not going to give her a treat every single time because I was concerned how that would back fire on me. The one time I didn't have a reward handy, would she throw a fit or have a melt down? No, this just wasn't cool with me.
I finally sat her down and talked to her. I explained that there were things that we had to do that we all didn't like. We had to go to work. We had to clean the house, to wash clothes, or do our homework and no one was going to give us a candy bar every time we did those things. I also explained to her that chores were a part of life, that I was having her do them now so she could learn how to do them properly. I also explained that behaving properly was required because her boss wouldn't let her get away with throwing a fit when she didn't want to do something. These were things she needed to understand and do to be a responsible adult herself.
I won't lie and say every day since then has been easier or that she always does her chores without a problem. Every day is still a challenge, but she isn't looking for the immediate reward for doing what is expected of her. I am also trying to teach her that there are consequences to her actions, whether good or bad. She does get the occasional reward, maybe a candy bar every so often, or having a friend sleep over, or even getting to stay up past her normal bedtime. These items are not a regular occurrence, but a special occasion item. That way, she appreciates them when she gets them (sometimes, anyway) but isn't demanding them.
How do you feel about rewards systems? Have they worked for you?
Danielle
No comments:
Post a Comment